We Got A New Review!

Isaac Cross was not a friend of mine, only a second connection when he wrote this, and I appreciate his honesty, looking at both the pros and cons of the site.

Luckily, all of the drawbacks are things we’re working on right now for version 2, so that’s a relief!

Here is the Blog post:

Here is the FetLife post (with commentary/discussion/questions):



Your Cock Versus My Cock


Your Cock Vs. My Cock

As I typed the title, I realized that this could be taken as a comparison rant, wherein I discuss the amazing cocks I can have and fuck with versus the one you men are born with…

But it’s not.

It’s about real life fleshy cocks, and what to do with them, and more importantly, when.

Yes, this is about cock shots. And receiving them. And why the cock you are so proud of—and may well have been told is a perfectly splendid example of manhood—is just not getting you very far when it comes to the ladies.

It’s very simple.

When you waggle your cock at me, in photos, it is your cock.

I am not that interested in your cock. No more than I am interested in your grapes, your Spiderman bed sheets, or your new X-Box.

Because they are yours, and I don’t know you, therefore those things offer no real benefit to my life.

Interestingly enough, though, I get cock shots quite regularly that I enjoy. Nay, that I love. In fact, as the D in my relationship, I require them. Daily.

MY cock, I love.

And I don’t mean just because I am the D, and I claim that cock for my very own. I mean because I have a connection to and a relationship with that cock. I know how it responds to me, how it hardens and twitches in my hand, how it feels going down my throat, how it hits the sensitive bits inside of me, how it fits me so perfectly, and so on.

When I see a pic of my cock, I connect all of those wonderful, positive, amazing things to it. I get all warm and fuzzy feeling inside. I get wet and squishy down below. My heart swells and my mouth salivates.

Obviously, I love cock.

But I don’t love your cock. Because it’s your cock. Not mine.

When I see a picture of your cock, I get… nothing. Really.

It may be an impressive cock. I could even say so, “Wow! That’s an impressive cock!”

But I have nothing more. I don’t know if your cock is really any good at satisfying me. I don’t know if you’ll smell good or taste delicious. I don’t FEEL anything for your cock.

And I’m turned off. I didn’t ask for your cock, and here it is, staring me in the eye, rudely, a perfect stranger of a cock barging uninvited into my life.

This is why so many women say that it’s best to not send a cock shot to a potential interest, or to at least wait until one is requested.

Because, like me, they want to see a cock they have a connection to, or hope to have a connection to. A cock they do or may claim as their own (regardless of which side of the slash they are on).

Not your cock.

“My profile kind of sucks I guess don’t go off that though”

What? Really?

If your profile sucks—or only kind of sucks: FIX IT!

Don’t make people try to force their way around the negative to find your awesomeness. Your online dating profile is marketing YOU.

Could you imagine if Poo-Pourri ads were like, “Well, poop stinks. We all stink a little, don’t we? I guess you’ll just have to really track us down to see how this little spray can help you. I mean, this ad sucks, but don’t go off that, though. We deserve a chance.”

The Cost of FREE

Dating Kinky is a free site. So is Facebook. And Plenty of Fish, and our FB for the kinky, FetLife. Starbucks offers Free Wi-Fi, and so does McDonald’s. Everywhere, there is free.

Except, as the Robert Heinlen said, TANSTAAFL: There Ain’t No Such Thing As A Free Lunch, meaning that someone always pays. There is usually a cost to the beneficiary and society as well.

(NOTE: Uses of the phrase dating back to the 1930s and 1940s have been found, but the phrase’s first appearance is unknown. The “free lunch” in the saying refers to the nineteenth-century practice in American bars of offering a “free lunch” in order to entice drinking customers ~more~.)

So, these sites are not truly free.

Facebook is supporting itself on an advertising model. Plenty of Fish and FetLife mix advertising and freemium features.

Starbucks and McDonald’s expect you to buy food and drinks, and figure you’ll stay longer (and consume more) with the Wi-Fi, or choose them over a Wi-Fi-less competitor.

But, so what? Why do you care? You get free stuff!

Well, because knowing how free works allows you to make the right choices for you.

It’s easy to offer a free website like Dating Kinky for 10 people, or even 100. However, once you start having 1,000/10,000/1,000,000/10,000,000 people doing a lot of activity and so on, you’re looking at costs.

LOTS OF COSTS: Hundreds in hosting and email services. Thousands in development. Hundreds of hours of dedication every month, to improve, adjust, promote and grow the site.

For example, walking. Free activity, right?

Yes, but…

  • You have to eat enough to fuel the walking.
  • You have to be dressed right for the weather.
  • You have to replace your shoes every so often. The more you use them (walk), the more often you have to replace them and the more expensive it becomes…

Now, imagine that you chose to walk across the US, making at least 30 miles a day. Would it be free?

What if you and 1,000 other people did it? How might the logistics change?

Who would pay? Each individual (so, not free)? Sponsors (ad-based)? Believe you me, every single one of those people will have opinions on how you should walk, how it should be paid for, and suggestions on how you can do it better.

That’s what running a free site can be like. Take it from me.

So, why bring this up?

Well, partially because the topic was on my mind in relation to another issue (FetLife is having credit card issues), and partially because it needs to be said.

Does free mean I’m willing to give you a crap site? No.

Is the site where I want it? Nope. Not yet. And when it is, we will move to freemium. Because I will believe it’s 100% worth it, and I will be willing to ask you to help support it.

But, even if you don’t, I’ll love you for being here and being a part of my community as I grow it. And I’ll do my best to connect you with people.

Just know…

This is a labor of love for me. I believe in this. And it’s absolutely 100% not free.

Thank you. You make this all worthwhile.

The story: I ran a kink venue with my partner and girlfriend, Selene73 called (creatively, hah!) “The Venue,” in Burlington, NC.

I created these cards for The Venue, after a spate of consent violations at other local venues divide the community. The violations were on the order of “This sexual act was not specifically discussed, so I’ll do it until you safeword.”

Which is no bueno.

We’re got them printed up with our logo, and made them available for all of our events.

They were at the front desk, along with pens for filling out., and many people not only chose to use them as reminders, but took them to other venues and groups as well.

We got some suggestions on the first version shown below, and I’ve made the changes you see based on those suggestions.


The other side is blank. Feel free to download the file(s) and put your own personal business/kink calling cards on the other side.



If you think this is a good idea, and feel free to download the original file(s) above and modify them as you need. If you would like cards made with your information/logo, and you’re not sure how to do it, or don’t have someone to do it for you, please reach out.

We’ll be happy to help you get what you need to create your own Sexual Consent Cards, as a service tot he community.


I’ve been working in and on adult community sites for years. Mostly as a moderator of some sort, often as a developer, never until now as both.

And despite being around this sort of thing for 2+ decades, it still never fails to amaze me the kind of arguments people will put forth to justify their behavior or try to change the consequences.

Just this morning, for example, I got a message that said:

“first of all I could have only been rude once by ignorance cause Im always quite nice and polite…now in a free society we are intitled to an explanation,please msg me with aledged mistake,I will be waiting for you or your teams reply.have a nice day”


This is their 4th response to this original message:

So, the word we’re hearing is that you’re not being very nice.

It’s just one report right now, so it’s not going to impact you at this time, however, do keep in mind that enough reports will get your account put on suspension.

Thank you for your understanding, and keeping Dating Kinky friendly!

Good luck finding your match.

Dating Kinky Team

Seems simple, right? Straightforward, simple warning, no real consequences yet. No need to even respond.

But, of course, they did. Over and over.

And tried to force me to explain who did this to them and what they did wrong.

It was obvious. There was no “nice and polite” about it.

But they feel like they are due an explanation because we live in a “free society.”

Yes. We do. And that free society is exactly why someone like me can create a site like Dating Kinky and run it as I see fit.

Dating Kinky is not the wild west. It is not a free-for-all. It’s for people to connect, not aggravate and hate on each other.

I will do everything in my power to make that a reality, and gather in the kinksters who believe in that ideal and adhere to it’s principles.

I am a benevolent dictator. What I say goes. I will create the rules, follow the rules, and when it is necessary, I will break the rules to uphold the spirit of the rules and their reasons for being to begin with.

Which is why I thought this quote from Richard Branson was particularly fitting. *smiles*


The Art Of The Fade Away

There’s a right thing to do when you just aren’t feeling a relationship…

…and then there’s what we usually do.

The fade away.

Online, it seemed perfect. But you’ve met, and it’s… well… flat, maybe? Just not there. No sparks. No whiz-bang.

They are nice. Sweet, even. You could like them, sometimes even think you should like them, since on paper, they are what you’re looking for—except instead of fireworks, you don’t even get poppers. It’s just nothing.

And you’re let down. And you feel bad, because you had high hopes.

What’s worse, though, is that they don’t seem to notice. They’re still excited about whatever it was you were trying to build. They smile and send picture texts and ask when you’ll get together again.





So, you fade away.

Because you don’t want to be an asshole, right? You don’t want to say the words that might make someone feel bad.

I mean, we used to do it with self-blame.

“It’s not you. It’s me.”

But now, everyone hears that as, “It’s you, nyaa nyaa nyaa! You’re hideous, deformed, socially awkward, and just undesireable to the world!”

So, we have found a better option.

The fade away.

It says the same thing, but it takes so much longer that it’s harder for them to call you on it.

So, here’s the lowdown on stretching it out as long as possible, and avoiding saying anything direct, while simultaneously making them doubt their attractiveness and ability to meet anyone who is not a meanypants jerkface.

1. For the first day, simply take about twice as long as usual to respond to texts.

Make each response short, and give no follow-up conversational lures.

For example, if you usually respond within 10 minutes, take 20-30 minutes, and make the responses simple.

  • “Yeah.”
  • “lol”
  • “Uh huh.”

2. Do not project any excitement.

Keep it neutral. At most basic smiley, not happy-laughing smiley.


  • 🙂

Not these:

  • 🙂
  • 😀
  • 😉
  • :)~

And definitely not:

  • <3!!!

3. Over the next few days, stretch out the time between responses.

You will likely get called on this during this time. Be prepared with your reasons.

Note: These are not called excuses, because they are not meant to actually excuse you. They need to know, deep down inside that you are blowing them off, but your reason should be good enough that they cannot call you on it without feeling like a douchebag themselves.

  • “Work has been crazy.”
  • “Been feeling under the weather.”
  • “My grandma is ill.”

4. Whenever asked for another date or time to get together, put them off, but don’t say “No.”

In other words, do the opposite of actually setting a date and time.

  • “My bestie/roommate/friend from high school wanted to do something this week, but I’m not sure when.”
  • “I have this project that’s due, and I don’t know when I’ll get free.”
  • “I’ve been crazy stressed, and I just need some me time.”

Ideally, these are things that are 100% true that you would say, and yet, they should be flimsy enough that anyone would know that if you REALLY wanted to see them, you would.

5. Just stop responding.

Or, alternately, respond in random, but always long intervals.

3 days, 7, 5 days, 2 days, 10 days…

ADVANCED DAGGER TWIST: Be active on social media that you share.

That way, they can see you being active and doing things and making time for others, while you simultaneously put them off.

This can backfire, though, so be aware and plan carefully.

Now it’s your turn!

I know you’re sick of just telling the truth and accepting the consequences. Now, you can drag this out over time, possibly even create layers of self-doubt and inwardly-directed recriminations in your former potential partner that will stand them in good stead when creating entirely new relationship neuroses in the future.

You may also get some really amazing “Why” queries to bolster your own ego and boost your flagging self esteem.

And if you start to feel bad, well, there’s a YouTube video about it, so it must be socially acceptable, right?


I Date People, Not Kinks

So, for me, it’s not a turn on to be approached by those driven solely by one singular kink, looking for me to be the Cinderella to their shoe.

I mean, yeah, I’m cool with you having kinks.

I do, too.

However, if you can’t have a genuine conversation—actually several—to get to know me as a human, because, you know, you value me AS A HUMAN, then it doesn’t matter what your kink is or mine is.

We won’t be a match.

And I’ll wish you the best of luck.

Because I KNOW it sucks to be alone when you really want a companion, and I know how it feels to want something that the people you have access to don’t want, or to feel alienated from people because of who you are, deep down inside, and just to feel “othered.”

On the other hand, I know how it feels to be a star-shaped peg that you are trying to fit into your lemniscate-shaped hole(s), and how it feels to be ignored for who I am as a person in favor of what you might want from me.

And that sucks, too.

So, if you approach me, approach as a person, a human, with an interest in another person—me—and we just may get around to your kinks, and trying them out.

Who knows, I may dig your figure-eight fetish.