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This one is pretty easy, really. What would you do face to face? I recognize that society has coarsened recently, but, “Da-Yum Bitch!’ is still met with disdain.

Dating Kinky and other kinky sites are just places to find people with similar

You still have to start with step one… “Hello, how are you?”

It seems that some people think that just because we’re all on a kinky site that we can skip all the preliminaries and just go in for a grab to the genitals.

Imagine, if you will, standing in a room, having a pleasant evening. You turn around, and suddenly there is a hand getting very familiar with your crotch, and a random person asking you if you have ever masturbated with Hubba Bubba.

Wait, what?

Truly. Sometimes it’s like that. There’s a mosquitoes dude that’s famous on CS for his bizarre first messages.

So, yeah, “Hello, how are you?”

Reading the profile and finding something to mention is a GOODTHING™.

For example, “I saw that you’re near the ocean and love dogs. I had a Blue Heeler that surfed when I was younger.”

Intelligent and friendly questions about their profile will also get you points, “I noticed you love cuddling. Would you rate yourself as a beginner, enthusiastic amateur, intermediate, or WWF Grand Champion level cuddler?”

And do check out the photos, of course. They are there to be seen. However, there is no need to actually mention them. If you want to mention a photo, choose one you really realted on a level that is not overtly sexual. “Nice tits!” or the like could be reserved until after you’ve gotten to know each other a bit.

In the first message, protocol is unnecessary, but do use common courtesy. No need to do slashy speak, D/s caps, or even honorifics. Write to them using their screen name, and ask how they like to be addressed, and you’re golden.

If they have a specific way they require you to speak to or address them, you will know soon enough.


And please, don’t send unsolicited nudity. I know you hear it all the time from women, but I know quite a few men who are also very NOT interested in seeing your golden honey pot or barnyard foul until they have gotten past the greetings.

And, well, if you’re one of those who gets the rooster pic, perhaps this will help:

Some people are straightforward. They are uncomplicated in their desires and needs. They can say “I am ____,” and mean it, without waffling.

And then, there are people like me.

People whose favorite answer to questions is often, “Well, yes and no,” or who not only know the word ‘dichotomy,’ but often embody it.

Like this young lady who wrote to me:

“I am two different sides. Monogamous, cutie who loves normal chat and more than just sex, Online slut who is nasty pervy mind.”

She was asking how she can portray that to find the right fit of partner for her.

It can be a complex task. It took me years of interacting online to understand how to communicate who I am and what I look for, but I’ve found a formula that works for me.

It’s a simple formula:

Statement of Fact
The Opposite (or seeming opposite) + How It Happens

So, for the young lady above, I might suggest she write:

“I’m monogamous and loving, sweet as candy, full of cuddles and smiles and with the right man who really gains my trust, I can be a delicious slut who craves perversions to get a ‘good girl’ from his lips.”

Statement of Fact: I’m monogamous and loving, sweet as candy, full of cuddles and smiles

The Opposite: I can be a delicious slut who craves perversions to get a ‘good girl’ from his lips.

How It Happens: with the right man who really gains my trust

Here are a few from my own life and profiles:

“I rock a pair of 4″+ heels like nobody’s business, but I can trip over a speck of dust on flat ground.”

“I am a primarily dominant woman. I do switch in sexual play, and I enjoy it, with the right people.”

“I am not shy about sexuality, but I’m not an easy fuck. If you are simply looking for panties to get into, move on.”

“I love being pampered and treated like a princess, but when a friend asks me to help install a tin roof, I’m there, and running the show.”

And it also works when talking about negative things, and showing hte positive side:

“I run like an asthmatic sloth. Don’t ask me to run marathons with you, but a good hike is always fun!”

Or when talking about what you’re looking for:

“I like a man who likes to take control and knows his way around the bedroom and ultimately wants to love a strong woman who prefer to be in charge.”


You can make a lot of points about yourself, touching on many different unique factors of seemingly disparate pieces of you, while crafting a profile that shows off your personality and states exactly who you are and what you’re looking for.

How about you? Do you have any dichotomies? Are you willing to try your hand at this?

I Tasted You

Some say you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. I say you don’t know what you’re missing, until you find that perfect fit…

So, I had to warn a member this past week, because they’d been reported for being a jerkface.

Essentially, they had been pushy and violated someone’s boundaries because they wanted to see full-body photos before continuing the conversation, and the other person did not feel comfortable sending that much (especially on demand) to someone until they had talked for a while.

So, you have two people, both right:

Person A: Wanted to see full body pics first.

Person B: Wanted to talk for a while before sending private photos.

So, the issue comes when one chooses to be less-than-nice about the other’s decision, because, well, pushing the boundaries of a stranger is not cool. Not even a little.

So, how do you handle this? Simple. Simply walk away. It’s a mismatch.


Yup. Just walk away. Or, in this case, click away.

“Thank you so much for you’re time. I guess we’re not a match. Best of luck to you in your search.”


What if you don’t want to say goodbye? Well, that’s a bit tougher, but still pretty easy: Choose to abide by their boundaries.

See? Easy-peasy.

Is it EVER OK to browbeat a stranger online into doing something for you? Well, let’s look at a few examples:

  • You want them to call you sir/ma’am, they don’t want to until they know you better. OK to browbeat them? NO.
  • You want to skype with them, to see their face or hear their voice. They are not comfortable with that. All right to keep pushing? NO.
  • They have turned you down and you want another chance. They say no. Acceptable to keep trying? NO.

In fact, I can’t think of a single example when it would be OK.

You have your boundaries, they have theirs. If they don’t match, simply let it go and move on.

So, when I started Dating Kinky, it didn’t occur to me that we would ever have a policy other than “No nudity in the avatar.”

That was my limit.

Because, well, you see, I love nudity. I think it awesome when people show their bits off and are proud of them.

Now, I don’t necessarily find all nudity equally attractive or even want to see all of it, but I have zero issues with any of it… I figure I can look away.

However, two things changed my mind.

1. In my surveys, overwhelmingly, I discovered that people just don’t want to see other people’s junk without consenting to it. In case you’re interested, out of the 100% who indicated a preference against, 47% identified as women, 22% as men, and the other 31% as one of the other genders we have listed. Those 47% women made up 72% of the overall female-identified respondents.

So, to make people comfortable, I immediately started thinking about explicit photos and consent issues, but I worked primarily on genitalia, versus chests and breasts.

2. When I started talking with mobile app platforms, partners and credit card processors, they asked for even more: That NO ONE be allowed to see pornography without jumping through a few hoops (of consent and the like).

So, breasts got included. Boo.

But I get it, and long term, I’m OK with this.

Today, I had to delete an avatar of a naked ass for the second time.

JUST a naked ass.

I’d already sent the usual message explaining our policies yesterday, and today just said, “Uh, I’ve already told you, please stop (paraphrased of course),” which prompted a conversation.

I’ll post the conversation in the comments here, so you can see it and how this was handled, but I really want to talk about our policies and how we make our choices.

The message I/we send about nudity in public photos says in part:

You see, we LOVE goody bits! Just not out in public for everyone. Genitalia, and nudity, specifically, whether in photographs or in drawings is allowed in private albums set to friends, specific friends, or password-protected.

We’re not trying to harsh your buzz or anything, however, there are certain guidelines we have to meet to make sure that our site and our apps are available to the largest number of people FOR YOU. Because people are what make Dating Kinky great!

And, even though this is a kinky dating site, some people just don’t want to see random genitalia in their feed, so we strongly encourage everyone to share those the fun stuff when you have made connections.


We define genitalia as anything including breasts, vaginal, labial, penile, scrotum and anal areas, and nudity is obvious nakedness for sexuality or titllation.

So, that covers a lot of ground, but it also leaves some of what we do open for personal judgment.

Now, I can’t see how a close up photo of a butt, not unlike the featured image.

Could be personally judged as anything except blatant nudity.

And, well, rules. Not bias.

“BUTT! You say…”

“In your Terms of Service, you have a bit about:

6.3. You acknowledge and understand that some of the Materials are user generated and may contain graphic visual depictions of sexual activity and nudity, graphic audio portions of the same kind of content, and descriptions of sexually oriented and sexually explicit activities. You acknowledge that You are aware of the nature of the Materials provided by Our Website and that You are not offended by such Materials, and to the contrary, that You are accessing this Website specifically because You enjoy such expressive content and You wish to view such Materials. You stipulate that you access this Website freely, voluntarily, and willingly, and for Your own personal enjoyment.

Yes, we do. Legally, we HAVE to do that, even if the site were NOT an adult-based site, because we have user-generated content. It protects us (and the mobile app platforms and our partners and credit card providers) from being sued if a photo gets up that offends someone before we can take it down.

But I have zero interest in running a business JUST covering my ass.

I have personal ethics, and I want to create something different, dare I say, something MORE.

Oh, and I didn’t mention before, but did you know the NUMBER ONE reason female identified members (and number 3 reason for male-identified members) leave dating sites?

Harassment, including non-consensual nudity. They just get sick of it.

Even here on Fet, you see new discussions started every day. Now, as I said, I like the nudity and freedom that comes with it, but my site is not all about me (regardless of what some may think).

It’s about YOU. The YOU that is underserved in the kink community when it comes to dating and connecting with other kinksters.

And finally…

As I was ranting a bit about this (because that’s what I do) to a few friends, late questioned the choice of using a butt as an avatar, like your date is going to show up at the restaurant, profile in hand and say:

“That’s the asshole I’m looking for!”