So, when I started Dating Kinky, it didn’t occur to me that we would ever have a policy other than “No nudity in the avatar.”

That was my limit.

Because, well, you see, I love nudity. I think it awesome when people show their bits off and are proud of them.

Now, I don’t necessarily find all nudity equally attractive or even want to see all of it, but I have zero issues with any of it… I figure I can look away.

However, two things changed my mind.

1. In my surveys, overwhelmingly, I discovered that people just don’t want to see other people’s junk without consenting to it. In case you’re interested, out of the 100% who indicated a preference against, 47% identified as women, 22% as men, and the other 31% as one of the other genders we have listed. Those 47% women made up 72% of the overall female-identified respondents.

So, to make people comfortable, I immediately started thinking about explicit photos and consent issues, but I worked primarily on genitalia, versus chests and breasts.

2. When I started talking with mobile app platforms, partners and credit card processors, they asked for even more: That NO ONE be allowed to see pornography without jumping through a few hoops (of consent and the like).

So, breasts got included. Boo.

But I get it, and long term, I’m OK with this.

Today, I had to delete an avatar of a naked ass for the second time.

JUST a naked ass.

I’d already sent the usual message explaining our policies yesterday, and today just said, “Uh, I’ve already told you, please stop (paraphrased of course),” which prompted a conversation.

I’ll post the conversation in the comments here, so you can see it and how this was handled, but I really want to talk about our policies and how we make our choices.

The message I/we send about nudity in public photos says in part:

You see, we LOVE goody bits! Just not out in public for everyone. Genitalia, and nudity, specifically, whether in photographs or in drawings is allowed in private albums set to friends, specific friends, or password-protected.

We’re not trying to harsh your buzz or anything, however, there are certain guidelines we have to meet to make sure that our site and our apps are available to the largest number of people FOR YOU. Because people are what make Dating Kinky great!

And, even though this is a kinky dating site, some people just don’t want to see random genitalia in their feed, so we strongly encourage everyone to share those the fun stuff when you have made connections.

smiles

We define genitalia as anything including breasts, vaginal, labial, penile, scrotum and anal areas, and nudity is obvious nakedness for sexuality or titllation.

So, that covers a lot of ground, but it also leaves some of what we do open for personal judgment.

Now, I can’t see how a close up photo of a butt, not unlike the featured image.

Could be personally judged as anything except blatant nudity.

And, well, rules. Not bias.

“BUTT! You say…”

“In your Terms of Service, you have a bit about:

6.3. You acknowledge and understand that some of the Materials are user generated and may contain graphic visual depictions of sexual activity and nudity, graphic audio portions of the same kind of content, and descriptions of sexually oriented and sexually explicit activities. You acknowledge that You are aware of the nature of the Materials provided by Our Website and that You are not offended by such Materials, and to the contrary, that You are accessing this Website specifically because You enjoy such expressive content and You wish to view such Materials. You stipulate that you access this Website freely, voluntarily, and willingly, and for Your own personal enjoyment.

Yes, we do. Legally, we HAVE to do that, even if the site were NOT an adult-based site, because we have user-generated content. It protects us (and the mobile app platforms and our partners and credit card providers) from being sued if a photo gets up that offends someone before we can take it down.

But I have zero interest in running a business JUST covering my ass.

I have personal ethics, and I want to create something different, dare I say, something MORE.

Oh, and I didn’t mention before, but did you know the NUMBER ONE reason female identified members (and number 3 reason for male-identified members) leave dating sites?

Harassment, including non-consensual nudity. They just get sick of it.

Even here on Fet, you see new discussions started every day. Now, as I said, I like the nudity and freedom that comes with it, but my site is not all about me (regardless of what some may think).

It’s about YOU. The YOU that is underserved in the kink community when it comes to dating and connecting with other kinksters.

And finally…

As I was ranting a bit about this (because that’s what I do) to a few friends, late questioned the choice of using a butt as an avatar, like your date is going to show up at the restaurant, profile in hand and say:

“That’s the asshole I’m looking for!”

*smiles*

One Response to “That’s The Asshole I’m Looking For! (Or, Dating Kinky’s Nudity Policies & Why They Exist)”

  1. NookieNotes

    HIM:

    > There’s a guy who legit has his dick in his avatar, mine is just my buns :/

    ME:

    > I you’d like to report them, then we’ll remove them.

    > We have rules against it (see our community guidelines), and we remove them whenever we see them.

    HIM:

    > how did they get approved in the first place?

    ME:

    > Hard to say. Maybe someone made a mistake. We are all humans here.

    After, I thought that it may have been approved WAY back as well, before we really had solid rules in place, and has just never gotten caught, but I didn’t think about that then.

    HIM:

    > I just think it’s odd for this site lol, especially since the home page shows a picture with tits in it

    (I checked. The video did. I removed it immediately.)

    ME:

    > We have created our policies working with various companies for mobile app distribution, credit card processing and such.

    > Long term, having the policies we have will allow us to reach a larger variety of people, which benefits everyone.

    > Thank you for that reminder of the home page video. It has been removed.

    > Please feel free to report any images that you believe don’t follow the rules that you’ve been given, and we’ll take care of them.

    HIM:

    > I don’t understand what variety of people that are over 18 years of age would have a problem with nudity, especially on a site for sexual fetishism, but rules are rules; I guess.

    ME:

    > You’re missing the point.

    > You can share nude pictures with people you connect with, through private photos or attachments.

    > It’s about consent.

    > Like we said, we love nudity. However, unless someone has consented to see yours, they will not.

    HIM:

    > I gave my consent when I uploaded the picture and set it as my avatar, they gave their consent when they came to the site and accepted that they were 18 years of age

    ME:

    > Saying they want to meet someone kinky is not consent to see anyone’s sexual bits.

    HIM:

    > you litterally cannot say they did not consent to be on this site

    > it assumes they sexually interested in someone

    ME:

    > Yes, maybe. But not necessarily YOU or me.

    > So, there is no need to see those parts until they want to.

    HIM:

    > that means if I go to someones profile and their photo offends me I didn’t consent to it though

    ME:

    > Correct. And if it is generally offensive, we will remove it.

    > Not just nudity, but hate speech, for example.

    HIM:

    > NookieNotes would be the owner of this site, yes?

    > And yet she automatically gets added to everyones friends without their consent, her profile is full of pictures no one consented to see

    (He had a point, and I was immediately horrified to think I was violating consent with nude photos. I went to check.

    ME:

    > You make a good point. Now, no one will be able to see those either. They will be locked to passwords only in the next ten minutes.

    > See? You’re helping already.

    HIM:

    > yeah, it goes really far when the rules are based on personal opinion

    ME:

    > Actually, I was wrong. My nudity is Password Protected, already.

    (I was relieved, but also glad I checked.)

    > You pointed out two things. They have been or are being taken care of. The rules apply equally across the board.

    HIM:

    > also the photo of the dildo is phallic imagry

    ME:

    > I have sent you two messages about how we define nudity.

    > We allow images of dildos. We do not allow pictures of penises.

    > Again, you can argue this. EVERYTHING is subjective, and we are the final arbiters.

    > There are many erotic images that have passed our and others’ standards, while a straight shot of a naked ass will not.

    HIM:

    > Has it, there really is no appeal? or is this personal for pointing out so much rule breaking?

    ME:

    > There is nothing personal.

    > I deleted your photos and sent you messages before you questioned anything.

    > I have no personal rancor at all, and my other mods will simply know that you’ve been contacted twice with the same type of message.

    HIM:

    > So if I resubmit this avatar and now you have the knowledge that my conveniently hidden gstring is there can it be accepted so we go on and be done with this issue?

    ME:

    > No.

    > I could leave it for another moderator, and they won’t pass it either.

    > It’s not me.

    > It’s obvious and blatant nudity.

    > Now, that said, I’ve marked MY OWN photo with a note that you found it offensive. A certain number of marks like that, and a moderator (other than me) will have to make the call. You’re the first, but who knows?

    HIM:

    > Simply disapointed with this site and it;s clear bias, will be reviewing it everywhere negatively until it’s approved, this serves as proof as the bias and will be brought up as such

    > I know that may not mean much

    > but I was a customer, now I’m not please reflect on that

    ME:

    > You do what you feel you need to do.

    > I am not biased.

    > I delete photos everyday.

    > Would you like me to delete your profile? i’m happy to do that for you.

    HIM:

    > …

    Reply

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