We Got A New Review!

Isaac Cross was not a friend of mine, only a second connection when he wrote this, and I appreciate his honesty, looking at both the pros and cons of the site.

Luckily, all of the drawbacks are things we’re working on right now for version 2, so that’s a relief!

Here is the Blog post:

Here is the FetLife post (with commentary/discussion/questions):



The story: I ran a kink venue with my partner and girlfriend, Selene73 called (creatively, hah!) “The Venue,” in Burlington, NC.

I created these cards for The Venue, after a spate of consent violations at other local venues divide the community. The violations were on the order of “This sexual act was not specifically discussed, so I’ll do it until you safeword.”

Which is no bueno.

We’re got them printed up with our logo, and made them available for all of our events.

They were at the front desk, along with pens for filling out., and many people not only chose to use them as reminders, but took them to other venues and groups as well.

We got some suggestions on the first version shown below, and I’ve made the changes you see based on those suggestions.


The other side is blank. Feel free to download the file(s) and put your own personal business/kink calling cards on the other side.



If you think this is a good idea, and feel free to download the original file(s) above and modify them as you need. If you would like cards made with your information/logo, and you’re not sure how to do it, or don’t have someone to do it for you, please reach out.

We’ll be happy to help you get what you need to create your own Sexual Consent Cards, as a service tot he community.


So, I had to warn a member this past week, because they’d been reported for being a jerkface.

Essentially, they had been pushy and violated someone’s boundaries because they wanted to see full-body photos before continuing the conversation, and the other person did not feel comfortable sending that much (especially on demand) to someone until they had talked for a while.

So, you have two people, both right:

Person A: Wanted to see full body pics first.

Person B: Wanted to talk for a while before sending private photos.

So, the issue comes when one chooses to be less-than-nice about the other’s decision, because, well, pushing the boundaries of a stranger is not cool. Not even a little.

So, how do you handle this? Simple. Simply walk away. It’s a mismatch.


Yup. Just walk away. Or, in this case, click away.

“Thank you so much for you’re time. I guess we’re not a match. Best of luck to you in your search.”


What if you don’t want to say goodbye? Well, that’s a bit tougher, but still pretty easy: Choose to abide by their boundaries.

See? Easy-peasy.

Is it EVER OK to browbeat a stranger online into doing something for you? Well, let’s look at a few examples:

  • You want them to call you sir/ma’am, they don’t want to until they know you better. OK to browbeat them? NO.
  • You want to skype with them, to see their face or hear their voice. They are not comfortable with that. All right to keep pushing? NO.
  • They have turned you down and you want another chance. They say no. Acceptable to keep trying? NO.

In fact, I can’t think of a single example when it would be OK.

You have your boundaries, they have theirs. If they don’t match, simply let it go and move on.

I recently read this quote. Not sure where. In a business book of some sort. It was making a point about changing your business and why, and it hit home for me, and confirmed my choices over the past few weeks.

If you aren’t yet aware, I’m giving Dating Kinky a total overhaul. Every bit of code we have right now will be gone in the next three months replaced by a totally custom-built system.

For you.

For me, too. Lord knows, I need better admin options…

But it’s really mostly for you.

Because so many of you love Dating Kinky.

You see, without you, there would be no reason to change. Your love for what I’m doing, your belief in it—that’s MY REASON.

If the past three months had not been full of people telling me how much they love what I’m doing (even if there are more than a few hiccups), signing up, making connections (and dating! YAY!), I might just wash my hands of it.

But those things are WHY Dating Kinky exists. because I believe it is needed. Wanted. And, now, thankfully, loved.

So, I’m changing it.

And thank you to every one of you who has complained and caught bugs and had difficulty understanding. You have made it clear that while my ideas were spot-on, my implementation left much to be desired.

Thank you.

And if you’d like to help, please shoot me a note. We’ve started an email list and a testing group to go over our prototypes and give ideas and suggestions, and who will be our first testers of the new code when it’s developed.

As an aside, I am agnostic. So God in this quote to me may represent many different things, one or all of which may exist as I perceive them. As the Desiderata says: “Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be” (emphasis mine).


So, yesterday was a stressful day around here. I woke with a slight headache (may have been dehydration), and I was worried I might be getting ill. After weeks of planning our move to a new server, I DID NOT need that on the one day when I knew I was going to have to deal with, well, I didn’t know. But I knew challenges would be thrown.

After only 5 potential major emergencies, and a move planned for 30 minutes taking about 3 1/2 hours, we were up and running again, smoothly.



Well, for one, we’re on a more powerful server. So there’s that. But there’s more.

We are also on a new IP address that I took weeks to pre-clear with ISPs and get all the necessary hoops jumped through, so that traffic to us is not (usually) being routed through Taiwan or Vladisvistok or any other out-of-the-way node of nowhere anymore.

Note: My insistance that we have only real people who want to be there on our site has kept our spam complaints insanely low, and that makes ISPs VERY happy! YAY for doing the right thing because it’s the right thing actually paying off!

We also made some changes to our app code that meshed with the newer packages on the server, so they are running faster as well, and the processing is not slowing down the overall site performance.

We’ve moved all of our notifications email processing off-site as well.

We’ve turned on a system that will serve you content you’ve seen faster. The more you browse the site, the faster it will load, since it will cache the content for you.

We still have some additional changes to make. In the next few months, we’ll move the DB to another server, so it can process side-by-side with serving images and content, rather than interspersed. Like this:

|   X
|   X
|   X
|   X
|   X

Total: 5 seconds

Instead of this:


Total: 10 seconds

And of course,w e’re growing fast, so we’ll be keeping an eye on the needs of our users as we grow, to make sure we serve you the best site possible.

So, uh, yeah. Just needed to say that. I’m super-geeked, and now, I can get back to upgrading the apps and working on the new search feature I have planned.


OMG! I’m totally stoked about this new feature that I’ve been working on for weeks.

A lot of sites have an interests “checklist,” or a fetishes option. I’ve rarely found them useful in connecting to others, but I’ve always thought they could be. That’s where my idea for this project came from.

A personalized list of kinks, fetishes, hobbies, and vanilla interests that would allow us to find each other more easily, discuss what we like, and connect on different levels.

Here’s a quick video showing you how it works to make it even easier to connect with amazing people on Dating Kinky! If you’d prefer to keep reading (instead of watching), I’ll explain below.

The way Kinks & Interests work on Dating Kinky is a simple process, but so powerful!

  1. Add a kink, fetish, hobby, or vanilla interest. If it’s an existing kink, it will auto-complete for you.
  2. Choose your interest level(s): I Top/Give, I Bottom/Receive, I Switch, I Watch, Must Have, I Like/I Enjoy, Interested In/Curious About, Hard Limit—You may select none, one, or several of these.
  3. If it’s a new addition to our kink list, it will be sent to admin/moderators for approval.
  4. Your approved Kinks/Interests show up on your profile, and are visible to others. They are easily sorted by the icons related to your interest levels.
  5. Click on any Kink/Interest to take you to the wiki page to see (or add) a definition, other kinksters who have added it to their profiles, and discuss the Kink/Interest and what it means to you.

Not only did I build this to connect us more easily and effectively on a wide variety of topics that could never be coded in to a limited drop-down menu, but also to encourage the Dating Kinky community to create our own reference to the Kinks and Interests we enjoy and love to talk about.

I hope you’ll try it out, and send feedback. Right now, this is available on the web app, but we’re working on adding it to the mobile apps as well.

Sooooo super-excited!

So, yeah, I’ve did this thing.

After years of being kinky and frustrated by the sites out there to meet people outside of my regular circles, I finally did something about it.

I created Dating Kinky.


And I’mma brag about it BIG TIME, because, well, I’m super-proud, and this is my profile, where I can do shit like that.

Anyway, Some of you know, others may not, but I’ve moderated at quite a few adult social and dating sites over the years, even built a handful (miss the Grotto!), and I know what the biggest requests are for sites that connect others, and I’m shoving them all into my version.

#1. It’s free.

Like FetLife, it’s free to use. Also like FetLife, we will have ads and a support option (less pricey than other dating sites). MOST people will use it free all the time.

#2. Gender Friendly

Many genders to choose from, and preferred pronouns.

#3. Poly Friendly.

POLY friendly: Individual AND couple/family profiles, you can also add relationship status as partnered, and relationship styles, including poly, open, swinger, etc. Also: REAL couple/family profiles.

#4. Double-approved relationships.

Link your partners, and they approve before the link goes live. EITHER partner can remove the relationship at any time!

#4. One-Click Decline and Block.

Sends a nice message saying you’re not a match and blocks the other person. No more snotty replies!

#5. Optional Photo Verification.

Get verified to prove that you look like your photos. Or not—it’s completely optional!

#6. Instant Messaging.

Chat instantly with others online.

#7. Well, It’s A Dating Site, So…

The usual: matching, searching, messaging, flirting & more.

#8. Sexy Fun eCards to Send.

Take your flirting up a level with built-in NookieNotes eCards!

#9. D/s, BDSM and Kink Roles

Searchable, and you can choose more than one identifier for your own searching and finding.

#10. Mobile Apps.

Coming soon. We’re working on them! Sooooo exciting.

I’ll be 100% honest: The site is NOT optimized perfectly for mobile, yet. Still working on that. It’s best on a desktop. However, we’re making do and people are STILL loving the site!

See, here’s our first hot picture testimonial:


Anyway, I just had to tell ya’ll, as today is the first OFFICIAL promotion day (I’ve been doing some here and there…

I hope you’ll join, and tell me what you think!


Also, feel free to follow/friend our new FL page: https://fetlife.com/users/6716508

We’ve opened up Dating Kinky today for the first round of testing. A limited number of people are being invited from my classes at Coastal Carolina Fetish Fair and The Loft over the next two weeks.