I recently read this quote. Not sure where. In a business book of some sort. It was making a point about changing your business and why, and it hit home for me, and confirmed my choices over the past few weeks.

If you aren’t yet aware, I’m giving Dating Kinky a total overhaul. Every bit of code we have right now will be gone in the next three months replaced by a totally custom-built system.

For you.

For me, too. Lord knows, I need better admin options…

But it’s really mostly for you.

Because so many of you love Dating Kinky.

You see, without you, there would be no reason to change. Your love for what I’m doing, your belief in it—that’s MY REASON.

If the past three months had not been full of people telling me how much they love what I’m doing (even if there are more than a few hiccups), signing up, making connections (and dating! YAY!), I might just wash my hands of it.

But those things are WHY Dating Kinky exists. because I believe it is needed. Wanted. And, now, thankfully, loved.

So, I’m changing it.

And thank you to every one of you who has complained and caught bugs and had difficulty understanding. You have made it clear that while my ideas were spot-on, my implementation left much to be desired.

Thank you.

And if you’d like to help, please shoot me a note. We’ve started an email list and a testing group to go over our prototypes and give ideas and suggestions, and who will be our first testers of the new code when it’s developed.

As an aside, I am agnostic. So God in this quote to me may represent many different things, one or all of which may exist as I perceive them. As the Desiderata says: “Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be” (emphasis mine).

This category is specifically restricted to our amazing testers and brain trust peeps to give feedback and test new stuff for Dating Kinky. If you're a tester, you should have an email with the password. If you're not, and you want to be, send me and email at nookie@datingkinky.com, and we'll get you started. *smiles*

Someone sent this message to me a couple days back:

I’ll put in the effort i see worthy into searching your site. I appreciate you are a new site but the locals near me I see are not those i would be into. I will never enter the states and all the matches you have here are yanks. no thanks.

To be clear, I get that we’re new, and if you’re in AUS, and there are not enough people near you, I wish you the best.

However, I think to stay on the site and NOT put effort into a profile is not only half-assing things, but long-term is a detriment.

It`s my position that the effort you put in—everywhere—is what you will get back, although not necessarily in the same places. If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well, in my view. Or, “Win or fail spectacularly.”

Frankly, I would never half-ass a profile. Because someone could sign up at any time and hide/block/filter† me for a lack of effort.

And I never intend to lose from a lack of effort.

But that’s me. Everyone makes their own choices, of course.

† (a feature coming up in DK 2.0 allows auto-hiding or profiles and filtering of messages from unfinished profiles)

On FetLife, a conversation:

Him:

Thanks, joined, horny and fantasising and masturbatinf too…

Me:

Ummm. No one needs to know that. If you send messages like that on my site and get reported, I’ll ban you.

It’s just ick.

(And badly spelled.)

This category is specifically restricted to our amazing testers and brain trust peeps to give feedback and test new stuff for Dating Kinky. If you're a tester, you should have an email with the password. If you're not, and you want to be, send me and email at nookie@datingkinky.com, and we'll get you started. *smiles*

Dude, you gotta stop with the fake abs photos and such. We have a spotter, and they may be up for a few, but we’ll take them down.
Just be yourself. Connect with real people.
Or, alternatively, get those abs and take pictures of you.
You’ve got your second warning.

Dating Kinky Team

So, usually one warning is all it takes when we catch someone misrepresenting themselves with a model’s photos.

After all, our amazing spotter can find the most obscure instagram account and match (or in this case not-match) details and so on.

Interestingly enough, we’ve found the real people too in this process (Yay us for some SERIOUS hotties), but mostly, we find people using instagrammers from Barcelona, Milan, and Waukee, thinking that you won’t recognize them (I wouldn’t) and realize they’re fake.

Here’s the thing: We’re a DATING site. About meeting and getting together and stuff.

Sure, we’re ok if you want to be online only. That’s cool. But to misrepresent yourself like that?

Nah, bra.

Plus, as creators ourselves, my team values copyright and artist protection. I’ve had my photos stolen (and I’m not ALL that), and I did not like it… It’s one think if they are used because people like them. Another if they are used to scam some poor schmuck on a dating or social site.

Moving forward, we’ll be creating a new photo upload that will ask you about the photo you’re uploading, giving you three options:

  • This is me.
  • This is taken by me.
  • This is a photo I like or resonate with.

We feel that’s an ideal way to handle the issue, and still allow you your creative freedoms…

Anyway, so we’re on it, to keep Dating Kinky real.

So, it was just over three months ago that I made Dating Kinky live to the public. In that time, I’ve learned A LOT.

I mean, I had experience moderating and building dating sites before. I’ve worked with some big ones, even. I was pretty sure I had this.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve tripped on my own hubris more than once in the past 90 days.

Something I am proud of, though: I’ve been learning.

You see, I did a lot of research before starting Dating Kinky. I took months finding just the right code base to start with, and then another two months to customize before I let anyone in. We tested with a few hundred people for a month before we opened up to the world, and still, I had more plans.

But things started going wrong.

This code base—this award-winning code we bought and customized—well, who knew it was never meant to really manage successful dating sites? By that, I mean sites who actually make it to more than 2,000 people.

Successful.

Sheesh!

And who knew that the overall structure was at least 7 years out of date, and all those awards were from people who didn’t know that, couldn’t know that?

I sure as hell didn’t.

But I was proud of Dating Kinky. And I still am. Because we offer things other kinky dating sites don’t, like 8 genders, poly matching, references, relationship stauses and more.

But we’ve already outgrown it. We’re splitting the seams, and I still have a dozen more functions I want to add and changes I want to make to the existing functions.

So, what now?

Well, I’m digging in, and building the site from scratch. I and my development team are writing thousands (probably millions) of lines of code to make Dating Kinky what it should be, and to make room for all the amazing people that keep signing up (Thank you!).

What does this mean to you?

Well, a few things:

1. I want your ideas and suggestions.

Everything you can throw at us, no matter how off-the wall. NOW is the time. I’ve got some amazing functionality planned, but YOU are the reason for all of it. Tell me about what your IDEAL dating site would have.

2. I’ll be looking for testers for the new site.

DO you like to find bugs and errors and see things before they are available to the general public? Great! Reach out. I want you in on this.

3. Things might seem a bit quiet, development-wise on Dating Kinky over the next two months.

Because we’re improving, but where it’s not really visible. Then, all of a sudden, we’ll be unveiling things. I’ll do updates and so on, but you’ll be hearing about a lot of cool features that don’t exist yet.

4. New Apps.

Yeah. They suck, too. They were (again) customized versions of apps that connected with the package I bought (and cost an additional amount). They suck. The company gave them to me with errors, some I’ve managed to fix, but they won’t fix many of them, and the code is so terrible (and out of date), my team is tossing it out and starting from scratch. They are useful as basic messengers, but… well… not much else. I’m working on that, promise. I’ll keep you up-to-date, there, too.

And it’s not all bad. In fact, to be honest, it’s not very bad at all. By starting where we did, I discovered many things I would not have thought of in creating a dating site (because they weren’t part of the sites I’d worked on/in/built before), and I’m thankful for that, even though we’ll leave it behind.

We’ve also added 5,000 users in the past month, and we’re going to keep growing.

As one of the early adopters of FetLife, I know that there are going to be many roadbumps ahead (remember when FetLife went up and down more often than a kangaroo in mating season?), and I’m up to the challenge.

Thank you to all of you who have joined, and are making my vision of a kinky dating site with AMAZING members a reality.

I’m working hard for you to live up to your trust.

I just wanted to tell ya’ll this.

*smiles*

So, Dating Kinky has officially been live for a whopping three months and seven days. There has been an amazing learning curve (which I plan to write more about coming up), and there have been a few moments where I felt satisfaction that I’ve gotten it right the first time around.

Very few, but they exist and I cherish them. Most things are, “Whelp, didn’t know that,” or “Coulda thought THAT through better!”

Today, I experienced two at the very same time, regarding our Kinks & Interests.

Kinks & Interests are similar to FetLife’s fetishes list, or POF’s Interests, but with a twist. It’s kinky and vanilla, it’s meant to connect people, it’s a wiki of information, and… it’s moderated.

WHAT?!?

Yup. It’s moderated. Kinks & Interests are not added willy-nilly, but only after approval. In fact, this morning, I sent this message:

I approved your Kinks & Interests with these exceptions:

incest
beastiality

Neither of these kinks/interest are allowed on Dating Kinky. You may have entered them as hard limits, however, we cannot allow them even in that capacity, as once approved, they can be used in any way.

Therefore, to protect what we are building, and the space we’ve created for all, we have chosen to simply not allow certain terms at all to be added to the site.

Thank you for your understanding.

I’ve done this before with words like “rape,” “children,” and others that I think cross the line.

Because I think it’s important to keep certain things, well, out of kinky dating.

I do allow, though, “rape fantasy,” because I know that’s a thing, and that makes it clear that it IS a fantasy scenario that you’re interested in. That’s freedom of expression, in my world, and it’s important.

For the person who used children, I suggested “parenting” as an alternative, if that’s where they were going with that…

Satisfaction point # 1:

Anyway, as I was sending that message above, I was thinking of what’s been going on with FetLife and the issues they’ve been facing, and I felt happy that I’d made that policy from the beginning, and I don’t have to go back to cull a bunch of stuff now.

Satisfaction point #2 came when I got a message back, thanking me for taking the time to let them know about the policy and the deletion.

I replied, “Of course. We are a new site, and one of our foundational reasons for being is you—the kinkster who is looking to connect with others. It would be a poor example if we didn’t actually connect with our users over important site issues.”

Because what I’m building is really about connecting people. For dating, play, etc. In your many and varied interests. Wherever you happen to be.

Which means that I want the site to be connected as well.

So, yeah. I feel the small things are important.

Seriously.

I can’t make this up.

A man on Dating Kinky was reported today (and immediately deleted) for threatening to r*pe a female member, sending her a cock shot in the next message, and then asking about her panties color, since he was “close to cumin” (maybe he was near the spice rack?) in a third, all without a single response from her.

Three Strikes Gets You Deleted from Dating Kinky

Gosh.

What a peach.

SMH.

I just sent this message:

Your photo was reported as being a model photo, and therefore likely copyrighted and not belonging to you.

Don't let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life #boy #tbt #selfie #sundayfunday #tumblr #girl #dope #men #tumblrboy #tb

A photo posted by Carlos Acikalin, 21, Canada🇨🇦 (@trouble_bro) on

If you are the model, our apologies.

Please confirm by going through our photo verification process, and we’ll know from here on in that those photos are you.

Thanks so much for helping us keep Dating Kinky authentic!

*smiles*


Dating Kinky Teammember

Now, we won’t catch them all, but we take every report seriously, and check details of the account against the model information.

Sometimes, it certainly seems to be the model, and we would simply send a message making contact, asking for additional confirmation before deleting.

In the case where none of the information seems to match, we’ll delete first, ask questions later.