This one is pretty easy, really. What would you do face to face? I recognize that society has coarsened recently, but, “Da-Yum Bitch!’ is still met with disdain.

Dating Kinky and other kinky sites are just places to find people with similar
interests.

You still have to start with step one… “Hello, how are you?”

It seems that some people think that just because we’re all on a kinky site that we can skip all the preliminaries and just go in for a grab to the genitals.

Imagine, if you will, standing in a room, having a pleasant evening. You turn around, and suddenly there is a hand getting very familiar with your crotch, and a random person asking you if you have ever masturbated with Hubba Bubba.

Wait, what?

Truly. Sometimes it’s like that. There’s a mosquitoes dude that’s famous on CS for his bizarre first messages.

So, yeah, “Hello, how are you?”

Reading the profile and finding something to mention is a GOODTHING™.

For example, “I saw that you’re near the ocean and love dogs. I had a Blue Heeler that surfed when I was younger.”

Intelligent and friendly questions about their profile will also get you points, “I noticed you love cuddling. Would you rate yourself as a beginner, enthusiastic amateur, intermediate, or WWF Grand Champion level cuddler?”

And do check out the photos, of course. They are there to be seen. However, there is no need to actually mention them. If you want to mention a photo, choose one you really realted on a level that is not overtly sexual. “Nice tits!” or the like could be reserved until after you’ve gotten to know each other a bit.

In the first message, protocol is unnecessary, but do use common courtesy. No need to do slashy speak, D/s caps, or even honorifics. Write to them using their screen name, and ask how they like to be addressed, and you’re golden.

If they have a specific way they require you to speak to or address them, you will know soon enough.

smiles

And please, don’t send unsolicited nudity. I know you hear it all the time from women, but I know quite a few men who are also very NOT interested in seeing your golden honey pot or barnyard foul until they have gotten past the greetings.

And, well, if you’re one of those who gets the rooster pic, perhaps this will help:

Some people are straightforward. They are uncomplicated in their desires and needs. They can say “I am ____,” and mean it, without waffling.

And then, there are people like me.

People whose favorite answer to questions is often, “Well, yes and no,” or who not only know the word ‘dichotomy,’ but often embody it.

Like this young lady who wrote to me:

“I am two different sides. Monogamous, cutie who loves normal chat and more than just sex, Online slut who is nasty pervy mind.”

She was asking how she can portray that to find the right fit of partner for her.

It can be a complex task. It took me years of interacting online to understand how to communicate who I am and what I look for, but I’ve found a formula that works for me.

It’s a simple formula:

Statement of Fact
AND/BUT
The Opposite (or seeming opposite) + How It Happens

So, for the young lady above, I might suggest she write:

“I’m monogamous and loving, sweet as candy, full of cuddles and smiles and with the right man who really gains my trust, I can be a delicious slut who craves perversions to get a ‘good girl’ from his lips.”

Statement of Fact: I’m monogamous and loving, sweet as candy, full of cuddles and smiles

The Opposite: I can be a delicious slut who craves perversions to get a ‘good girl’ from his lips.

How It Happens: with the right man who really gains my trust

Here are a few from my own life and profiles:

“I rock a pair of 4″+ heels like nobody’s business, but I can trip over a speck of dust on flat ground.”

“I am a primarily dominant woman. I do switch in sexual play, and I enjoy it, with the right people.”

“I am not shy about sexuality, but I’m not an easy fuck. If you are simply looking for panties to get into, move on.”

“I love being pampered and treated like a princess, but when a friend asks me to help install a tin roof, I’m there, and running the show.”

And it also works when talking about negative things, and showing hte positive side:

“I run like an asthmatic sloth. Don’t ask me to run marathons with you, but a good hike is always fun!”

Or when talking about what you’re looking for:

“I like a man who likes to take control and knows his way around the bedroom and ultimately wants to love a strong woman who prefer to be in charge.”

See?

You can make a lot of points about yourself, touching on many different unique factors of seemingly disparate pieces of you, while crafting a profile that shows off your personality and states exactly who you are and what you’re looking for.

How about you? Do you have any dichotomies? Are you willing to try your hand at this?

OMG! I’m totally stoked about this new feature that I’ve been working on for weeks.

A lot of sites have an interests “checklist,” or a fetishes option. I’ve rarely found them useful in connecting to others, but I’ve always thought they could be. That’s where my idea for this project came from.

A personalized list of kinks, fetishes, hobbies, and vanilla interests that would allow us to find each other more easily, discuss what we like, and connect on different levels.

Here’s a quick video showing you how it works to make it even easier to connect with amazing people on Dating Kinky! If you’d prefer to keep reading (instead of watching), I’ll explain below.

The way Kinks & Interests work on Dating Kinky is a simple process, but so powerful!

  1. Add a kink, fetish, hobby, or vanilla interest. If it’s an existing kink, it will auto-complete for you.
  2. Choose your interest level(s): I Top/Give, I Bottom/Receive, I Switch, I Watch, Must Have, I Like/I Enjoy, Interested In/Curious About, Hard Limit—You may select none, one, or several of these.
  3. If it’s a new addition to our kink list, it will be sent to admin/moderators for approval.
  4. Your approved Kinks/Interests show up on your profile, and are visible to others. They are easily sorted by the icons related to your interest levels.
  5. Click on any Kink/Interest to take you to the wiki page to see (or add) a definition, other kinksters who have added it to their profiles, and discuss the Kink/Interest and what it means to you.

Not only did I build this to connect us more easily and effectively on a wide variety of topics that could never be coded in to a limited drop-down menu, but also to encourage the Dating Kinky community to create our own reference to the Kinks and Interests we enjoy and love to talk about.

I hope you’ll try it out, and send feedback. Right now, this is available on the web app, but we’re working on adding it to the mobile apps as well.

Sooooo super-excited!